Just the Two of Us
by Wicked Wonder
Summary: The old getting captured with your enemy trick. Written for Yuletide 2008. Contains slash if you squint hard.


He'd known things were going too well.

Well, not so much known as suspected, when the menacing man had said "We've been expecting you, Mr Smart" and quickly hustled him into a back room, divesting him of everything except his striped boxers- a gift from 99 last Christmas. He wasn't too upset- he'd been in worse situations with less- until he was shoved into another room, with another occupant. One very familiar to Max, wearing only a pair of white boxers with pink hearts.

"Siegfried!" Max prepared to assumed a judo position before the man pushed him further into the room and locked the door.

"Maxwell Smart. So they got you too." Siegfried sounded... off. His usual swagger was diminished somehow. Max cocked his head, trying to figure out who would want to kidnap an agent from both CONTROL and KAOS.

"What is the meaning of this?" Max demanded. He started looking for a way out, trying to find anything that could be used for a weapon. The room had no windows and only one door. The only furniture in the room was a mattress on the floor, sheet-covered with a pillow and blanket on top, folded neatly.

"You think I know? I too was lured here, unaware, a victim of fate!" As Siegfried went on, waving his hands dramatically Max went slowly over to the bed and methodically explored it, feeling the mattress for metal coils, of which there weren't any, and examining the covers for strength in case he could climb out the window (if there was one).

Siegfried wound down, ending with a hand gesture worthy of Fosse. He looked rather peeved, Max thought idly as he ran his hands around the doorframe, checking for weak spots. He turned back to Siegfried who had his hands on his hips. "What?"

"Have you not listened to a word I said? I have already done the casing of the joint."

"Trust you to use a criminal metaphor, Siegfried," Max muttered. Sitting down on the mattress, he thought back on what Siegfried had said. "Just how long have you been here?"

"I'm not sure." Siegfried's melancholy returned in full force. "It has been about two days, I think. I sleep, the food comes, and I sleep again. There is nothing else to do."

Max shuddered at the thought of being stuck in this place, and asked instead, "Where's the washroom?"

"When the food comes, the door opens. You ask too many questions, Smart." With that, Siegfried sat on the mattress too, as far apart as he could from Max. The two glared at each other, until Max got bored and looked away. After about fifteen minutes, Max cleared his throat uncomfortably. "So, uh, are you bowling on the league this year?"

Siegfried puffed up, moving just a bit closer to Max. "Yes. I find the exercise invigorating."

"So do I. You know, I bowled a turkey a couple of weeks ago."

"Well, I had a perfect game a week ago. I didn't say anything before in case you thought I was bragging."

"I don't think you're bragging- just lying!"

They went back to glaring, although Siegfried didn't resume his old space.

The guards came in, two for each of them. They were huge and hulking, and as Max found out, apparently made of metal. They hustled Siegfried and Max to the bathroom, one at a time. When they returned to their room, two plates of food with glasses of milk were sitting on the floor. A man was kneeling next to them, laying down silverware.

"Gentlemen, enjoy. The quick fox jumps over the lazy dog." With that, he bowed and left the room, loudly throwing the locks behind him.

Max and Siegfried exchanged a look. "Why did he tell us a typing exercise? Are we going to take a test?" Max asked, scratching his head.

"Again with the questions!" Siegfried rolled his eyes and slumped back down to the mattress.  
"Well, asking questions is part of our procedure," Max defended.

"It's not in ours," Siegfried snapped. "Rule number one: don't ask questions."

Instead of asking the question he now had burning inside- what rule number two was- Max just sat down on the floor and ate off of one of the plates of food. "Bologna sandwiches and JELLO, my favorite, he quipped as he examined the tray carefully.

"If you love it so much, you can have my portion. I tired of this false food after the first meal."

Max nodded his thanks and took his bounty back over to the bed. Chewing hungrily, he barely heard Siegfried say something about the milk. He drained his glass and burped discreetly before turning back to Siegfried. "Er, I missed what you last said."

"You'll find out," Siegfried said enigmatically.

Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, at least for right now, Max sat his plate down. He was beginning to feel a little tired, probably from the stresses of the day. His vision blurred and his tongue felt a little funny, thick somehow. "Milk... drugged..." he managed to gasp out and slumped over. Just before everything went dark, he heard Siegfried say "That's why rule number two is 'don't drink milk'!"

The next week, as far as Max could reckon, passed pretty much the same way. The guards came three times a day for food and bathroom breaks. The same man always told them a nonsense phrase before leaving. Sometimes the milk would be fine, and sometimes it would put them out within minutes. As they always woke to a different set of bedding, Max figured that they cleaned then. The thought of the burly henchmen wearing frilly aprons and using feather dusters made him snicker.

"What are you finding so amusing, Smart?" Siegfried demanded. "Is it my beard?"

Max shook his head, although the thought of Siegfried calling the three hairs he had grown on his chin a beard was pretty funny.

"It's not important. Actually, I was trying to figure out why the phrase of today is 'Be a Do-Bee, not a Don't-Bee.' At least the other ones made sense."

"None of them have made sense to me Smart," Siegfried groaned. "So far we have heard adverts, wise sayings and song lyrics. What kind of interrogation tactic is this?"

"Interrogation? I thought they were just different ways of making conversation!"

Max could see Siegfried refraining from rolling his eyes. "Smart, I swear sometimes your intellect astounds me."

Deciding to ignore the sarcasm, Max answered, "Thank you," and went back to thinking about the phrases and why Siegfried thought they were some form of questioning. If they were questions, they were highly ineffective. "Wait! If they're interrogation techniques, then why are they asking both of us? There's nothing that both of us would know..."

Max's voice trailed off.

"Unless it's something we shouldn't know," Siegfried finished quietly.

"How do we know if it's something we shouldn't know?" Max asked. Not expecting an answer, he went back to thinking of the patterns of the sayings.

"I know something about you," Siegfried said in that same quiet tone.

"Oh, really? What?" Still distracted, Max started reciting the sayings out loud.

"I know about... The locations of numbers one through twelve are as follows- Hoboken, New Jersey, under the train station. Gas City, Indiana, next to the Standard Gas Station. Phenix City, Alabama, off of exit 6. Sandy Hook, Mississippi, at the fork..."

"Stop!" Max said sharply. At that, Siegfried looked at him, confused. "What am I stopping? I was just telling you about your first assignment."

"No you weren't. You were reciting a list of locations across the United States. I have a feeling that you know the information that they're trying to get from us."

"And you triggered it with one of those phrases."

"So, whatever the information means, it's something that can only be retrieved by us."

"That explains a lot. I wonder if I can trigger you..." Siegfried mused. He visibly thought back, and said the last phrase that Max said, "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

"The locations of numbers twelve through twenty are as follows. Orlando, Florida, at the southwest quadrant of the turnpike..."

"Well, now we know the trigger, but what are those? They're just cities."

"Right now we're better off not knowing," Max said. We just need to keep them thinking that we don't know why we're here."

They were successful for almost a week. Max found it easier to just nod at the man, who spouted more and more outrageous phrases before resorting to strings of numbers. Meanwhile, something else was niggling at Max.

"What do you mean, you know about my first assignment?" he asked Siegfried. "That information's classified!"

"As opposed to the other classified assignments we know about? Yes, we know about your little adventure with Henry."

Max nodded, resigned. "Oh well, it was bound to come out sometime. I'm surprised you sat on the info this long."

Siegfried looked uncomfortable, getting up to pace the floor. "I wouldn't have used that against you, Smart. That's... not acceptable."

Something in his voice made Max look up at Siegfried's face. The understanding he saw there... "Oh," he breathed. After a beat, he asked, "Can I call you Conrad?"

"Getting informal, _Maxwell_?"

"Forget I asked," Max muttered.

Later that night, however, after drinking their milk, and before the general unconsciousness kicked in, Siegfried and he actually shared the mattress instead of sleeping sitting up. Some would even call it snuggling.

Which is what 99 did, once the general rescuing took place. Even though she teased Max afterward, she didn't tell him about the moment she spent, watching them before shutting the door and sounding the alarm loudly.


End file.
